[Content warning: this post references child abuse]
Ian has struggled with depression throughout most of his adult life. In 2015 he took part in a clinical trial to test psilocybin as a treatment for depression. His story is featured in the new mental health documentary series The Me You Can’t See.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety for much of my adult life, having suffered childhood trauma. Over the years I’d tried various treatments, talking therapies like CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) with different counsellors and several different types of antidepressants, but neither would help for very long.
A few years ago, I had a particularly difficult phase, spiralling downwards into a bleak, hopeless depression with nothing seeming to help me. I researched ways to get myself back on track and started meditating every day, writing a daily journal and, when I felt able to leave the house, going for walks in nature. But nothing seemed to work.
I continued my research and discovered a video of a lecture given by Dr Robin Carhart-Harris from London’s Imperial College. He was talking about the effect of psilocybin, the active ingredient in so-called ‘magic’ mushrooms, on the brain, and mentioned an upcoming study on the effect it may have on people suffering from depression. I emailed him immediately and then waited. Several months later, I was invited to screen for the trial and was accepted onto the pilot study of 20 volunteers.
"I didn’t want to be judged or have other people’s negative opinions making me even more anxious than I already was."
I was concerned that taking an otherwise illegal psychedelic drug to help me with my depression was something that many may react negatively to. I only told a couple of my loved ones when I was due to take part in the trial – I didn’t want to be judged or have other people’s negative opinions making me even more anxious than I already was.
The treatment took place in a converted hospital room, with a bed, calming lighting, fresh flowers and headphones to listen to a specially created soundtrack. The emphasis was on putting the eyeshades on and ‘going inward’ as much as possible. So there was no traditional therapy session during the six-hour experience, but there was a team of three mental health professionals or ‘guides’, two of which were in the room at all times to help me through any particularly difficult periods.
The first dose of 10 milligrams definitely made me feel very different, but overall I clung onto control, remaining quite anxious throughout. I was able to voice my concerns and anxieties to the team before my second dose a week later, this time 25 milligrams of psilocybin. They were able to put my mind at ease and created the ideal environment for me to get the very most from the experience.
"I felt a lot of fear and resistance as the drug began to take hold. But the team around me were there to guide me through these moments."
Once again, I felt a lot of fear and resistance as the drug began to take hold. But the team around me were there to guide me through these moments. As the effects of the psilocybin intensified, I was faced with feelings, thoughts and images that I normally managed to suppress and avoid. I saw my abusive father and felt terrified; I felt I had to do what I always did and get away from this image and these feelings otherwise it would be the end of me.
"I was literally facing my demons."
But the team encouraged me, using the phrase ‘in and through', to face these images and emotions. Instead of mentally running away, I turned to face the image of my Dad and looked him in the eye. The fear this would throw me into the abyss, obliterate me, was removed when I was able to see him for what he really was: a pathetic, wretched little man. His power over me evaporated; I was literally facing my demons.
Getting through this phase and surviving it placed me into a state where I felt I could allow any emotion or image to bubble up in my mind behind the eyeshades I was wearing and approach it with openness rather than fear. I felt hyper-present, completely alive, connected to all living things and also felt compassion for myself for the very first time. This was the most peaceful and calm I had felt for many, many years.
I would say psilocybin allowed me to zoom out from my depression. It gave me the freedom to move away from my ingrained thought patterns and the narrow, brittle, suffocating state that depression can create and gain fresh insight.
The effect of psilocybin was the opposite of how antidepressants had affected me. Antidepressants can provide (at times life-saving) symptom management, whereas this went deep down into the very root causes of my depression. It allowed me to process some of my childhood trauma and to get a fresh perspective on myself and my lifelong struggle with my mental health.
These feelings of self-compassion, deep connection and the ability to cope with all emotions that arose lasted for at least three months after the trial. This then gradually faded away from three to six months after as my old thought patterns returned. But I still remember many of the insights I gained and these memories still help me to avoid getting as deeply depressed as I used to.
This is why further research is vital.
It’s easy to evangelise about this potentially life-changing treatment, but a similar clinical trial I took part in a year ago sadly didn’t have the same transformative effect long term. This is why further research is vital. Psilocybin may not help everyone with depression and it won’t be a suitable treatment for certain mental health conditions. This is why screening, and not attempting recreational ‘self-treatment’ without professional support around you, is so vital. It is in no way a ‘miracle cure’, but it could become another vital tool that can be used to help reduce the suffering of people with depression.
Professor David Nutt led the study at Imperial College, which was also recently featured on the BBC2 documentary 'The Psychedelic drug trial'.
“This is a powerful therapy. We think the maximum benefit comes from the combination of psilocybin, the psychedelic experience, and the psychotherapy that takes place beforehand and afterwards. So, taking these drugs by themselves, especially if you’re depressed, is not likely to be effective, and is potentially harmful if you have an unpleasant experience that you cannot cope with without therapists.
“This is why well-regulated and well-conducted research on this important topic is so essential. We need more research groups and more therapists to be trained to use this procedure. The problem is that the controlled status of these drugs, as schedule one drugs with no medical value, makes such training almost impossible. We need a new regulatory framework that makes it much easier to conduct research with these drugs.”
Lea Milligan, MQ’s CEO said: “There needs to be an approved mechanism of enabling researchers to have ethical and safe access to these otherwise illegal substances.”
If you are interested in taking part in research to help scientists better understand and find effective treatments for mental illnesses, sign up for a study via Participate today.
