So, a friend has confided in you that they are having thoughts about taking their life. What now? What do you do?
It can be frightening to know exactly what to do or say when someone tells you they are thinking of taking their own life. Often, our instinct is to shy away from the subject or to try and persuade them not to do it by telling them about all the reasons they have to live for. But doing these things is not helpful.
If someone has hurt themselves and you think their injuries are life threatening, call an ambulance by phoning 999. You can do this whether you are with them in person or not, but you will need to give their location.
Practical advice for things you can do to help your friend.
1. Stay with them
Do you believe they are in immediate danger? If so, do not leave them alone. You might need to remove them from dangerous locations or access to methods of self-harm.
Often if someone is at the point of suicide, they appear disassociated from the world around them and may not respond to questions or people. They might appear distant or unemotional. Talking to them and asking them simple questions can help to connect them back to their surroundings.
Equally, they could also appear angry, upset or confused. If so, staying calm and speaking softly can help.
Ask them whether they’ve made any plans to take their own life. If they say yes, don’t leave them on their own. Instead, stay with them and talk. It’s very important that when someone is feeling suicidal they feel listened to, and that their emotional pain is validated.
If you believe they are in immediate danger, you should call 999 or if you are unsure, you can also call the Samaritans on 116 123 who can give you advice and if necessary, can call for an ambulance on your behalf.
2) Always listen
Make sure they feel heard. Saying things like “I’m so sorry. This sounds really difficult. You must be in so much pain” can help someone feel validated and recognised. Don’t try to minimise their feelings or offer solutions. Many people find it difficult to discuss how they feel, and this can be made worse when the response is, ‘But what do you have to worry about?’, ‘It’s not so bad’ or ‘Others have it worse’.
The Samaritans have advice on their website about how to have difficult conversations, suggestions of open questions and advice on active listening.
Continue to hold space for them and do more listening than talking. Ask open-ended questions and don’t minimise their problems. You are not the person to solve this, but you can help them to find the right support.
Our Get Help page has many resources and we have also listed some below.
3) Know who to contact
Ask who you can contact to let them know this person is in distress. Don’t be surprised if this is not a family member. It could be friends, found family, partner, therapist, GP, community group, neighbour or even an online friend. This reminds this person that they’re not alone and also reassures you that there’s a wider support network out there.
They might say that there is no one or that they don’t want to ‘burden’ anyone. It’s important you make it clear that they are not a burden to anyone and that they should not feel ashamed of the way they feel. Whilst you shouldn’t force them to do something they don’t want to, such as contacting another person, it’s ok to be persistent in finding them help.
4) Offer them a glass of water or cup of tea (but try to avoid alcohol)
This may seem simple but different sensations like taste or liquids can change the fluctuation of nervous system responses. Warmth of tea soothes our internal organs which can reassure our brains that we are safe. Sipping tea or water also reassures our nervous system that we are safe therefore sending safety signals to our brains. Also, sitting together over a cup of tea gives you a chance to talk and listen.
5) Get moving
Suggest you go for a walk together. A walk can provide privacy, a change of scenery, fresh air and walking moderates our heartbeats, soothes our nervous systems and can help us feel less trapped. Additionally, it gives you the opportunity to have a conversation and listen to what the person has to say. Even if you are only outside and moving for 5 minutes, it can help.
6) Seek professional help
Offer to support them in reaching out for professional help. Suggest you take them to their GP or sit with them whilst they call one of the helplines listed below. Don’t just assume that if they say they will do it later that they will. They might need help taking that first step.
7) Make a safety plan
Suicidal thoughts can ebb and flow. Just because someone feels better in the moment doesn’t mean the feelings won’t return. Making a safety plan helps the person navigate the suicidal feelings when they are at their most vulnerable. You can also ask them to then share this safety plan with their GP who can offer professional advice, or refer them to someone else who can.
You can download safety plans from the Samaritans website.
8) Plan for the future
Schedule a catch up for an agreed time soon to check in. This does not need to become your responsibility, but you can provide a framework to work towards and a goal to set together. This could be through a phone call, text or in person and you can also make arrangements with the rest of the person’s support network. It is important to make sure they do not feel as if they are a burden and that they have no reason to feel ashamed.
9) Talk about their day
End the conversation checking in with them about their plans for the rest of the day. Break it down to hour by hour, or 15 minutes by 15 minutes, if necessary. It’ll help them remind themselves of what’s next and reassure you.
Looking after someone with suicidal thoughts can be hard. It’s important to look after your own wellbeing and it’s perfectly fine to have boundaries or to limit your interactions in order to protect your own mental health. Remember, you cannot offer someone support if you are ‘running on empty’ yourself.
Other resources
- The Samaritans are always there 24/7 and can be called on 116 123, or you can e-mail them: [email protected].
- Papyrus offer confidential advice to prevent suicide in young people and can be reached any time on 0800 068 4141, or you can text them on 07860 039 967.
- Suicide Prevention UK can send someone that you are worried about a message. You can submit the phone number of the person you are concerned about on their website and they will send them an automated message with support and contact details.
- SANE run an out-of-hours support line from 4pm to 10pm - 0300 304 7000.
- If they don’t like the idea of talking on the phone, The Mix offer online chats or text support for under 25’s. Just text THEMIX to 85258.
- Hub of Hope can help you to find resources in your immediate area.
- Mind offers further advice about how to support someone who feels suicidal, including practical suggestions for what to do and how to help.
