MQ Ambassador Deepanshi has been living with OCD, anxiety and ADHD for 11 years. Here, she shares her experiences of living with mental health problems, and the voluntary support group she created online, to give people space to be heard.
It was a particular night in 2018. It was four in the morning, and I was turning in my bed. The thought of someone behind me, watching me sleep kept haunting me. I was too scared to close my eyes. A whisper in my head kept prompting me to check that the door was shut and no shadows were lurking outside my room. The silence of the night meant I could hear the voice even louder. I kept praying for my parents to wake up soon, so I could safely go to sleep. I knew that these obsessive thoughts were not real. However, the all-consuming sensation of anxiety overwhelmed me.
I have fought my demons every night for the past 11 years now. I still battle them today, but what’s changed, is that now I don’t give in. I talk back. And on most days, I win.
My panic attacks started around the age of 14. Even the slightest bit of tension triggered me. I would scream and cry uncontrollably if my parents tried to comfort me. And by 15, I was sleeping with loud music every night. That was the only way I knew how to fall asleep. I was terrified of the silence. I attached a security alarm next to my bed, just in case.
"My panic attacks started around the age of 14. Even the slightest bit of tension triggered me. I would scream and cry uncontrollably if my parents tried to comfort me."
Two years ago, I decided enough was enough. It was the first time I openly spoke about what was happening to me with my parents. Although they couldn’t completely comprehend its complexity, my parents did everything they could to provide me with the support I needed. I met with a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, OCD and ADHD.
I found meeting the psychiatrist traumatising, although this isn’t everyone’s experience. Before I even met him, I was given a questionnaire to fill out, and by the time I actually met the psychiatrist he had scored me out of a 100, put me in a box. I was told I was ‘emotionally incompetent’ because of my (understandably) uncontrollable tears and shock from hearing his diagnosis.
It took me a decade to open up to someone about what I was going through, and I felt completely unheard. I was put in a box. If there was more mental health research, the psychiatrist might’ve been able to put me on a spectrum, not a box. I simply wanted someone to listen to me.
"If there was more mental health research, the psychiatrist might’ve been able to put me on a spectrum, not a box."
A few months after my diagnosis, I started Rain On Me, a free safe space, in the form of a support group, for those needing to vent about anything affecting their mental health. Initially, it was just meant to be for me, but as more people joined me, I realised how much others needed this space too. The incredible people who attend the support group inspire me to keep going. From listening to their stories and with my family’s unconditional support, I can now proudly say that I ‘live’ with my OCD and no longer ‘struggle’ with it.
For me, I felt like I had no choice but to overcome my mental health myself, but I know the journey would have been a lot smoother if I had a professional to guide me. I am trying to rekindle that broken trust in professionals and am now seeing a therapist.
I now practice meditation daily, learning to listen to the silence and not be afraid. I trained as a Mental Health First Aider to learn to manage my own panic attacks and help others.
I am confident we are going in the right direction with mental health research. Still, I also think for significant change to happen, we all need to change our mindset towards mental health and take it more seriously. Only then will we invest more in the research.
If you have someone in your life that’s struggling with their mental health, reach out to them. All you have to do is be there and listen. It truly helps. To anyone who is struggling, it’s OK to ask for help, it only shows that you want to keep fighting, and that takes courage.
"To anyone who is struggling, it’s OK to ask for help, it only shows that you want to keep fighting, and that takes courage."
